Free Clean Jokes - SkinnyDipping

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore […]

Free Clean Jokes - Forgive Me, Father

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend. The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man […]

Free Clean Jokes - Football Fans Vs. Nuns

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn’t see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, “Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there.”
One of the other guys says, “Well, […]

Free Clean Jokes - The Truth About Baseball

Why did the professional baseball player cross the road?
Because his gigantic ass commanded him to.

Free Clean Jokes - Buckeyes vs Wolverines!

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there’s a sign stating - “Play like champions today!”
There’s also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
“Don’t forget your HELMET!”

Free Clean Jokes - This is reaaally funny!

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant,
especially in language. She and her husband were planning a trip to Florida so
she wrote to a campground they planned to visit and asked for a reservation. She
wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite
know how to ask about […]

Free Clean Jokes - Control Issues

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking
about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?”
The third man turns […]

Real call to a computer company tech support

Tech support: always they’re for you
One day a guy calls tech support. This is a little like how it went…
Cust: hello?
TS: hello
Cust: yeah, my cup holder broke and my computer is still under warranty, so I
would like to get it replaced.
TS: ummm cup holder?
Cust: yeah cup holder…
TS: ummm did you get it with a promotional […]

Free Clean Jokes - My computer crashed!

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.” Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his […]

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve
got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Free Clean Jokes - Economist Valentines

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding
dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let’s raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

Free Clean Jokes - Economics ruins life

Economics is ruining your life when…
- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son’s discount rate by seeing how many
sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to
one sweet before dinner
- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could
be […]

Free Clean Jokes - Now what do I do?

Person: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Person: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Person: How do you spell that?

Free Clean Jokes - The Times newspaper

The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver from
Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing out the
numbers from one to a million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of
Records. When the compiler came round to check,
he informed the man that he […]

Free Clean Jokes - Boarding from what gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41.”
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not […]

The plane is crashing into the ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes
over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and
assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this
baby as gentle as possible down on the water”.
“Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean […]

Free Clean Jokes - I’m ignoring Y2K

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being
taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the
Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some
respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000
conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken
its toll on Jack. […]

Free Clean Jokes - Good choice

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did
you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The […]

Free Clean Jokes - Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

I won’t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You’re sweeter than glucose.
We’re as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
Wanna […]

Free Clean Jokes - Real Engineers

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their
birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and
automatic transmissions.

Free Clean Jokes - Bum in need of food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.
“Oh, come […]

Free Clean Jokes - After a bad accident

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well… The bad news first…
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of […]

The train has failed

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about […]

Free Clean Jokes - Snoop Doggs Teeth…

How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white?
BLEEEEEE-YATCH!

I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman…

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and
I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For
starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until
Christmas […]

Season’s Beatings

There’s gotta be a better way to spend December. Let’s face it: once you’re
old enough to fall off of Santa’s “List”, Christmas loses some of its magic.
Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of
over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn’t any “bah,
humbug” here… no siree! We just think […]

Every Time A Bell Rings, An Angel…

* Spit-polishes his halo
* Buys a maxi-pad with wings
* Drops out of a so-called “Choir of Angels” because that’s really just a
place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God’s butt
* Orders a plate of “Hades Hot” Buffalo wings
* Drinks a little too much of Junior’s blood and falls off a cloud
* […]

Free Clean Jokes - How To Prepare Chicken…

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your
chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to
die.”

Free Clean Jokes - Camel Questions

The little camel went to his mother and asked, “Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?”
She looked on him lovingly and replied, “You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there’s sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on […]

Free Clean Jokes - Little Green Balls

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand? Kermit’s undivided attention!

Free Clean Jokes - What’s dangerous and swings from trees?

What’s dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw.

Bear

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells […]

Bear and Toilet

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet? A: Winnie the Pooh!

Free Clean Jokes - Polar Bears Really Like Peas

How do you catch a polar bear?
You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

Shaggy Duck Story

What did one duck say to the other?
What?
“Social Security!”
I don’t get it.
You won’t till you’re 65…

Free Clean Jokes - Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I […]

Free Clean Jokes - Helen Keller’s Dog

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
Wouldn’t you if your name was ‘Aarghunghnah?

Free Clean Jokes - Things I’ve Learned

Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in […]

Free Clean Jokes - Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped .Joe takes the […]

Free Clean Jokes - Why did the walrus

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.

Free Clean Jokes - Clever Doggie

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages […]

Free Clean Jokes - Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”
“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”
The old farmer […]

Free Clean Jokes - Difficult to say when drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutional ists
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me thanks!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

5. Good evening officer, Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m tone deaf and nobody wants to hear me sing karaoke tonight.

7. I’m just not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance as I have no co - ordination. I’d hate to make myself look a complete idiot!

9. I really must be going home now, Ive had a few drinks and have to go to work in the morning.

Free Clean Jokes - Marc Faber’s comment on US economy

Marc Faber’s comment on US economy

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

‘The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a

computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help

the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are

the only products still produced in US. I’ve been doing my part.’

Free Clean Jokes - Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, “There’s a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter.”

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,

So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?”

John replied, “I’m from Mexico, sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?” asked the manager.

John replied, “They’re all just prostitutes and soccer players up there.”

“My wife is from Mexico,” the manager said.

John replied, “Which team did she play for?”

Free Clean Jokes - Drunk in a bar

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

Free Clean Jokes - Golf ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow’s ass.”
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks
like yours!”
“I don’t remember much after that…”

Free Clean Jokes - Three patients

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

Free Clean Jokes - Excuses for Speeding

Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding:

• My gas petal got stuck.
  
  
• Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport?
  
  
• I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off.
  
  
• My speedometer is broken.
  
  
• I had a bee in my car.
  
  
• I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly.
  
  
• I am driving my friend to the hospital. He has alcohol poisoning. (The driver was also found to be intoxicated.)
  
  
• (After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it caused me to lose control. (He was also found to be intoxicated.)
  
  
• I'm trying to catch that UFO. Will you try to catch it for me?
  
  
• I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane.
  
  
• I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make the gas petal go down more.
  
  
• My doctor gave me the wrong medication.
  
  
• I'm headed to a divorce proceeding and if you met her, sir, you would understand why I'm in a hurry.
  
  
• I just got my license back after having it suspended and I'm not used to driving.

Free Clean Jokes - He Loved Chocolate

Store employees called the police when they saw a 15 year old boy steal some candy bars. The police caught up with him. He denied taking the candy. But the odor of chocolate was strong on his breath.

The police took him back to the store where the employees identified him.

Free Clean Jokes - Nerves of Steel She Didn't Have

A female walked into a bank in Centereach, New York and handed the teller a note, demanding all her cash. The note said she would start shooting if the teller didn't comply.

The teller asked her, "Are you serious?"

The suspect responded by fleeing the bank.

Free Clean Jokes - Two Birds with One Stone

Police in Montana stopped a car because the driver was swerving. While they were having him do the field sobriety test, the passenger got behind the wheel and drove off.

The police yelled at him and he stopped. He was also sited for drunk driving.

Free Clean Jokes - Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.

"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

Free Clean Jokes - I'd Like to See That

"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."

"What trick?"

"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."

Free Clean Jokes - Children and Childbirth

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"

Free Clean Jokes - Ironing

A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"

His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."

Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?

Free Clean Jokes - Dumb Mom

Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb? After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure. He calmly and politely said to her, "But Mom, you really are dumb."

Free Clean Jokes - Lose a Cow

Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon -- an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation. The artist said, "Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!" The minister cried, "What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!" The cowboy mused, "What a terrible place to lose a cow!"

Free Clean Jokes - The New Pilot

Taxing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."

Free Clean Jokes - Farm Music

A farmer goes to the flea market and buys a brown chicken and a brown cow.

The guy behind the desk hand him his change and burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the farmer.

"Brown-chick-a-brown-cow!"

Free Clean Jokes - Gliding

One day this man walked into a bar and the man next to him said, "Hey If you fall from the 10th floor, the wind will pick you up and you will live." The Man said ," no you wont, let me see you do it" "Okay"

So the Man already in the bar does it and lives,

So the man who walked into a bar did it and SPLAT

Then the bartender says, "Superman, your a real jerk when your drunk

Free Clean Jokes College Finals

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Clean Jokes The Crib

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Free Clean Jokes The 50 Dollars Exam

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."

A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.

The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"

The 6 Right Foot

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Trust me try this, it takes only few seconds.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

$50,000 Chalk Mark

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Looking Natural

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of her son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

Dr. Phil was right...you have no idea how I feel right now!

English Texas

During a business trip to China, I was browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member timidly approached me.

"Excuse me," she said. "Are you American?"

"Yes, I am," I answered.

"What state are you from?" she asked.

"Texas, " I replied proudly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, obviously disappointed. "I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English."

Tie My Shoe

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was approached by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right??"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe??"

Unusual Elevator Behavior

A man takes the subway everyday to work. He works in the highest level of a highrise office building in downtown. When he arrives he takes the elevator. However, how he uses the elevator depends on if there are other people in there with him. If there are other people, then he'll take the elevator straight up to the top, but if he is alone in the elevator he will take it up only to the 22nd floor, and use the stairs the rest of the way up, about another 20 floors. Why does he do this?

Because he is short, he can only reach the 22nd bottun in the elevator.

Big John

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.

The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

Dislike Church

A couple was having their Sunday morning breakfast when the wife went to get her Sunday church clothes on. When she returned, the husband was still in his bathrobe.

"Aren't you going to church this morning?" asked the wife.

"No, I'm not going this morning. In fact, I'm not going to church anymore at all."

"What do you mean, we've gone to church for years, so why the change?

He responded, "Look, there are people at that church who don't like me, and frankly, there are people at that church that I don't like, and I'M NOT GOING!"

She answered back, "I'll give you two good reasons why you need to go to church. One, you're 42 years old. Two, you gotta go, you're the preacher."

The Bus Ride

One day a woman got on a bus and sat with her 4 year old daughter. The whole ride she said, "hold on Marge, hold on, you will make it throw Marge, just a little further Marge, just a little further, hold on...."

When she got off the another woman told her, "that so nice of you to comfort little Marge." The woman looked puzzled, "no, my daughter's name is Ann, I'm Marge"

Funny Jokes – Lawyer Jokes – Lunch

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat
your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged
sandwiches.

Humor and Funny Jokes – Letter from the Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________ :
Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a [...]

Funny Jokes – The Happy Wife

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only
friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every
morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make
her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to [...]

Fire wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Quotes – The Flying Blonde

Funny Quotes – The Flying Blonde
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The
stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn’t have a first
class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in
first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The stewardess [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

Funny Jokes – LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with
you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Close shave

Funny Jokes – Close shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – New Chainsaw

Funny Jokes – New Chainsaw
A fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut
down some trees in his back yard. He goes to
a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I
have a lot of models, but why don’t you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and
get the top-of-the-line model. This [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Surcharge

Exasperated with obnoxious patients in the clinic where
I’m the office manager, I put up a sign that read: “If you
are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a
$10 surcharge for putting up with you.”
Clearly some people took the sign to heart. That same
afternoon a patient came to the counter and announced,
“The doctor said [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Commute

Pauly came home from his first day commuting to work into the city.
Mrs. Pauly noticed he was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey,
are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” Pauly replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward
on the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mrs. Pauly said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for [...]

Funny Jokes – You know you’re from Tennessee if

You know you’re from Tennessee if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You [...]

Tax Joke

Funny Jokes – Tax Jokes – Tax Forms
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money

Funny Jokes – Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes – Marriage Jokes
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re
90.”

Funny Jokes – Reunion

Funny Jokes – Reunion
A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school
alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status – Not good
Wife’s Name – Plaintiff

Call Back Later

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was run out, so she instructed her son to use his phone to pass along an urgent message to daddy, who is at work.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a woman that [...]

Classes for Men

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS.
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JANUARY 25, 2008. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with
Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for [...]

HOLY HUMOR – Satan

HOLY HUMOR – Satan goes to Church
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had [...]

Babysitting Jokes

Babysitting – Babysitter Jokes
A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It [...]

Funny Jokes – The First Kiss

The First Kiss It’s your First Kiss and several questions
might come to mind: Is it the right time?Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,—Should you use some tongue? Then you say . . ..
‘What the heck!’ and Just Go for it!!!

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a [...]

Breaking the Speed Limit

Breaking the Speed Limit
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there [...]

Funny Jokes – Razorbacks and Marines

Razorbacks and Marines

RAZORBACKS
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet
under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ‘Nice pigs, Sir.’
The President replies ‘These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator [...]

Funny Jokes – PRAYER POSITIONS

PRAYER POSITIONS
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could [...]

A Day in Court

A Day in Court
Funny Quotes
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very
high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its
14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, “Has the
jury reached a verdict in this case?”
“Yes we have, Your Honor,” the [...]

Valentine’s Day Jokes – Valentines Day Jokes

Lots of people are visiting here and searching for those really silly Valentine’s Day Jokes for kids.
Here are two places you can find them – so you don’t have to search. You can just click the Valentines Day Jokes links below.
Valentines Day Jokes

Valentines Day Jokes – Valentine’s Day Jokes … Valentines Day Jokes. Q: What [...]

Toy Cars

Toy Cars
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has
the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy
is playing with.
“Do you have a drivers license?” asks the father.
“No,” says the boy.
“Are you resisting arrest?” he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, “No, but I’m not sleepy at [...]

The Brothel

“The Brothel”
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel. One of them
said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a
rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis [...]

Embarrassing Moments

“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
*right now*, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me [...]

Funny Jokes

Rabbit Anyone???
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said [...]

Funny Jokes

Shipwrecked!!!
After a terrible storm, a sailor, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery [...]

Funny Jokes

Fred, the chicken farmer
A life-long city man, Fred decided to leave the rat-race, move to the country and become a chicken farmer, so he found a nice chicken farm and bought it. Turned out that his next door neighbour, a kind, generous man named Bob, was also a chicken farmer.
Bob came for a visit one [...]

Funny Jokes

His vacation
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life – until the boat sinks.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about [...]

Political Jokes – Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided [...]

Funny Jokes

What did God say after creating Eve? “Practice makes perfect.”
Funny Jokes

The Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a buck where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it
go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a
local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the [...]

Lawyers

What’s another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wingtips.
* * * * * * *
What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
* * * * * * *
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey [...]

Life

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you’re on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Coupons

The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in
the young, lean years when she was first married, and
even kept detailed records of how much money she
saved. One of her first jobs way back then was
running the cash register at the local drugstore.
One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach
the counter to buy some condoms. She [...]

Inept romantic sentiments

The Washington Post asked readers to come up with inept romantic sentiments
for Valentine’s Day:
Your kisses are sweeter than wine, but without the paper bag.
I am irrationally exuberant for you in the third quarter of my fiscal life, with rising
indicators.
My love for you runs hotter than a ‘74 Nova with a V-8 engine and a busted [...]

Funny Jokes

Dead Donkey
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common objects that he could think of, and had screamed: “You lamp! You towel! You plate!” and so on. – Sigmund Freud
Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes – Insults

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache. – Noel Coward
Teaching Spelling

“Ex” Valentine’s

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for
his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of
cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have
anything for ex-wives.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an
‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting [...]

I Love Her But…(a collection of men’s thoughts on their women)

… every so often, boom! she’s a brunette. Or I come home to a
redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
–Cary, Seattle
… she’ll brush her teeth but she won’t go to the dentist. She
says she’s not afraid of the pain, she just doesn’t want to put
herself in the hands of any fellow [...]

Funny Jokes

Catholic mothers
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third [...]

Funny Jokes

Jewish woman
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, “Oh, I see you have U.D.” She replied, “U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, “U.D. is Upper Deck.”
She then went to [...]

Funny Jokes

When do you care for a man’s company? When he owns it.
Good Jokes

Funny Quotes – Insults

We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. – Ashleigh Brilliant
Slow Cooker Recipes

Funny Quotes – Insults

There are some people in this world who should be removed in order to spare us their crushing banality.
Sayings

Funny Quotes – Insults

Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.
Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small [...]

Free Clean Jokes

Great collection of free clean jokes. All about clean jokes, clean funny jokes, clean short jokes, good clean jokes, free clean jokes.